Life will never be the same again...and that's okay
I have felt very lost. Working in an industry formerly known as the creative arts has seen me lose direction, purpose and connection. I've watched others utilize new ideas to connect and stay focused in quarantine, seen others impress with their in depth workout routines, bake skills and many, many live Facebook streamed chats. And as a very talkative, social and enthusiastic person all i could do is question myself. Why aren't I doing that? Am I failing myself? What do I do now? Stay with me folks,we're on this journey of thought together.
The news this morning doesn't bring anything to ease my soul. "Death toll rises" seems to be a daily threatening statement. However a friend's dismay brought to my attention how she was feeling and in turn was a reflection of my own lost days. Lost at what to do with herself, tired and wanting to sleep all the time, eating more to fill the time and not being able to be as physically active as usual due to government lock down restrictions and a burst tire. As someone who encounters various conditions and illnesses of mental health in others and also personal it sounds like a bad time. A time where the dark clouds take over, the black dog visits or other phrases relating to a depressive or anxiety ridden episode.
But this is a time like no other. No other we have seen in our lifetime or that of the previous generations. It has been linked to what our grandparents, great grandparents or great great grandparents experienced during the World Wars. Constant state of fear and uncertainty, the threat of death lingering/ waiting to pounce, the rationing of supplies and the vast change to our working economy and industries. Except this is a killer we can unknowingly invite into our own homes and gift to loved ones #stayathome
Now if you've stayed with me this far and haven't skulked off to bed with a bottle of vodka diluted by a tub of Ben and Jerry's then thank you and apologies for depressing you. That was never my intention. More a realization. Realizing the magnitude and uniqueness of our new daily lives.
I came to a realization this morning while thinking of my friend because I know how she feels. I get it. My anchor broke of the chain and I'm floating aimlessly in the water. And that's okay.
GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! Yes, it's damn bloody well okay. Natural to feel lost and confused and angry and upset. I've cried, I've laughed. I've screamed. I've felt numb and empty. I'm grieving. I'm not lost. But I have lost. Lost the life I used to have. I don't have that life right now. I have to create a new one but that doesn't come without some mourning.
I recently helped my parents move home. Great timing under the current circumstances but looking through my late brothers things reminded me of when he passed. The uncertainty. How everything else that I thought mattered didn't. How over the years it's never got easier to forget he's gone but it has gotten easier to remember him without as much pain. But from these pivotal moments the only only way to way to truly move forward is to accept that life will never be the same again. And that is what I see this morning. My life will never be the same again. I don't know what is to come and what to expect but by accepting this truth I can start to heal, move forward and create a new life.
I feel for those suffering unexpected loss just now. Whether it be family, friends, acquaintances, work, careers, or livelihoods. We're all experiencing pain and loss. We must grieve and for that I'm truly sorry. But know that one day you will be okay again. Then better. Then great. Be patient, give yourself time and love. Do what feels right. No-one and I repeat NO-ONE knows how to behave or get through this time. We're all guessing as it's a new and unknown territory. So try, fail, succeed and enjoy the puzzle while you can. Focus on today and each day at a time. find a new routine for your new life whatever it may be. And know that it's okay to feel what you feel. I don't give you that permission. You do.
Sarah-Beth xx
